Even One Blessing Can Change Perspective

As I sit here contemplating things I have tears running down my checks. I don't know if I can do it anymore. For almost 2 years I lived pretending to myself and others life was just peachy even with 3, yes 3 very real suicide attempts. How can life be peachy when a person is doing that? Since I wasn't not allowing myself to see the truth at the time there was no way to really know what they were about, but it was away to get away from Chad. A year ago wow this month (August) I made a promise to my Grandma Bowman that I would never try again. I almost did on other time, but I didn't because of that promise. The special thing about making that promise to my Grams she has been gone from this mortal earth since 2006.

Oh my heck! I hadn't thought about that in such a long time. Not her passing, but her visit. Yes I know some of you may not believe in that. I am not going into details about it, but last August while I was in ICU recovering from a failed suicide attempt I was blessed with a visit from my Grams. She was not happy with me. I remember thinking that Heavenly Father must really love me to allow that to happen. He allowed that to happen in the midst of everything. Here I was thinking that I couldn't be happy and that I was all alone, but than I remembered that special blessing and it changes my perspective on things.

I am still mad at myself, I still hate myself, I still need to forgive myself, I still need to learn to love myself, I still need to learn to like myself, I still need to believe in myself, I still need to have faith in myself, but not as much.

It is amazing how even one blessing can change ones perspective just enough.

P.S. When I said I don't know if I can do it anymore I didn't mean be alive. I am struggling hugely! Major fears and issues cuz of the ex has surfaced, but I might not be living I will stay alive til its my turn to go. 

Comments

Julia said…
what a beautiful and sacred experience I hope you wrote it down so that you can visit it and remember it often!
September 2, 2010 at 8:32 PM
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