For The Most Part...

For the most part... I am happier than I have been since my Grandfather died almost 5 years ago. For the most part...my head is more on straight than it has been since than. For the most part...I am so much a better person. For the other part... I am still a little sad. I dedicated just shy of two years to a man who probably never loved me, but I loved him completely and unconditionally. I forgave so much and I have forgiven for the times he hit me, for all the verbal "hits", and for all the times I felt smaller than an ant and not worth more than the scum on a farmers shoe. I still loved him. There was a good part of him that I did get to see and I miss that at times like tonight. Plus with a lot of my friends and family getting married and/or having babies it isn't easy.

I want to be a wife and mommy so bad. I am half way to 34 and tonight I wonder have I missed my chances or did I blow it by being with him. Will another man want me? I am a smart gal I knew Chad what he was doing, but only to a certain extent, but I feel in love with the real him. I lost my best friend with him. He helped me come alive again after I shut down when my Gramps died. How do I hate him for that? He did something I couldn't do myself. He made me feel again. He made me love again, but than he also wasn't that good for me either. No wonder I was so confused til recently. 

I feel so alone these days. I mean I love my parents they are great! I love having Mallory and Chloe back in my life. Something I thought was gone forever because of Chad. I love the relationship I am once again building with my Father in Heaven and my Savior, but its still not easy. My other friends life all moved on without me while I was with Chad.  Now I need to find my own place again. It isn't easy especially when most have what I want. I am not envious or covetous. I am truly happy for them.

I am lonely and sad, but for the most part I am happy and know that I am very blessed. Its just how I chose to look at it.

Comments

Shae Mickey said…
I'm sorry that you are having that inner struggle, but I'm also glad that you are happy. I see how much happier you are now than you were a year ago. As long as you are happy, I am happy for you! We still need to get together and do something soon!
May 17, 2010 at 6:04 PM
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