The New Chapter

Once upon a time in a land faraway... or rather in a little town of Midway, Utah the new chapter of my life began. =)

A several month ago my friend Candy referred me to a doctor that sounded like a miracle worker. But it also sounded to good to be true. Besides I didn't have the money to go. My insurance is very limited. So I put it off. I started on the Xyngular products and they helped. I was losing weight and more importantly inches. I started to have health problems not associated with the products or is that a product could help. Some old ugly enemy of mine was coming back up that even Xyngulars products (as amazing a they are) could not help. This enemy is depression. Xyng worked wonders for a while but just couldn't combat my depression. Everyone else was having great success even Dixie's mom who is bipolar, manic depressive, and has clinical depression was having great success with Xyng. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me and then that led me to places I shouldn't have gone. I kept asking myself what is wrong with me that I can't sell these amazing products? I felt like these products are so great, but my friends won't give them a chance so there must be something wrong with me. One night I was sitting at a table with a bunch of friends (or so I thought) they started to talk about a parade the next night asking individually "So & So are you going to be there?" "So & So are you coming?" Everyone at the table was asked, but me. It was like I wasn't even sitting there. Another what is wrong with me moment. Why don't they want me there? They even said they will call the others and let them know where they were sitting. At first I thought it was because I did not have children, but there was another person at the table who does not have children either. So it had to be that something was wrong with me. Of course this let me to one of the hardest and most difficult of all "What is wrong with me?" times. Why did a jackass of a guy and one of the most amazing men I know walk out of my life? The good and the bad both walked out. For both to walk it must be something wrong with me. I honestly don't know if any antidepressant would really help. sSad thing is I did not even allow myself to admit to myself that I was depressed. It didn't help that I was having other health problems some were eliminated when they found my bad appendix. Candy once again suggested I go see Dr. Moore. She also told me that the Dr. Moore now will see patient and allow them to pay what they could afford to pay. I was so tired of my light headedness, dizziness, my body hurting, and not sleeping well so I made the appointment. I stressed and stewed over how I was going to pay but, Candy suggested to talk to my bishop. So I did and he agreed to help. I was scared and nervous about the appointment. I have missed a lot of appointments because of lack of sleep or health problems. This appointment was an hour or so away from my house in the morning. The morning and I am not friends. Two days before the appointment, my friend Jason in Florida, told me I was depressed. At first I wanted to deny it, but the more I thought about it he was right. For some reason that gave my tears ducts release and I just started bawling. I bawled and I sobbed. It what is like a flood gate had been opened. I did something that scares me a lot I reached out to others to ask for their prayers. All, but one replied. Words of encouragement for extended. Which really did my heart some good. The day before I had canceled an event I posted on Facebook. It was to go to Forgotten Carols one of my most favorite things to do for my birthday and Christmas. I invited married and single friends. I even invited this singles group I'm in. No ine got their money to Candy or I. Some who have claimed to be good friends never responded. I know that it was seen on my newsfeed because my aunt responded and she wasn't even on the invite list. So it must be me. Well I made it to the appointment with Dr. Moore. She believes that a lot of my health problems are emotional based that is why traditional medication really hasn't worked. I asked her what I can do about my depression. She asked me a question in return about whether medication has been successful or not. I thought about it for a moment and the answer was no. So she loaned me something else to help with my depression. She had them take blood for about 30 test. She wants to confirm things, check things, or rule things out. She is really thorough. She wants me back next week to start on the emotional health. Believing that in a couple months or so that some if not all my physical health problens will start to take care of themself. I alked out of that office with hope, little less blood (=, and a book. Yes, a book. (= That is what she told me to help my depression. It is called "Healing from the Heart - The Inherent Power to Heal from Within" by Dr. Judith Moore. It is rather interesting you reaf a chapter or so and then listen to track on the CD. It isn't just about listening it's about visualization and guided imagery. I honestly don't know how a book change your life or help you become undepressed. (I am just talking regular books and not religious books i.e. scriptures.) The story is good and I was leary about the visualization because I cannot do it easily. Plus it's trusting to relax and just go with it. Also I have let go of some control to let it happen. It scares me after being controlled by another. But I did it. It wasn't easy and at times I couldn't focus. Or even relax enough to let it happen, but I did it and it was better than most times I have tried. Can I say I have changed and and that I am no longer depressed? No, I cannot. I can say there is changing going on, mire thinking, more processing, more understandings, and I do feel differently in a good way. This is not my happily ever after and who knows if I'll ever have happily ever after. For clarification my happily ever after is being married and having child(ren). No, I know that having that is not the only thing that will make me happy, it is just my dream. Yes, this is a once upon a time to change my life. I just started new chapter. I do not know how one chapter will lead to another, but I believe this new chapter is one of the learning, growth, and maybe finding answers to problems. It might even lead to me being happy forever after. I love the twist and turns the ups and downs, the suspense, the mystery that my book of life has had so far. I look forward to this new chapter in my life. For the first time in years I look forward in hope.