Stupidity Sucks

So I did a stupid thing I have no control over. I have feelings for a man who will never love me as more than a person or friend. It started about 5 yrs ago and he knows me so well he figured it out before me. I try to hide it. His friendship means more to me than anything. Funny thing is I know I could make him extremely happy and we would be great together. Maybe that's what he is afraid of. I finally got the opportunity to really hang out with him & it was great. I know we are only friends. I can completely be myself and not have to worry about it. I don't have to worry about impressing him which is so great! It was wonderful just to hang out w/no expectations and to feel no judgement whatsoever. I blew it though. I think our hanging out days are over.

I know I'm going to get hurt when he does start seeing someone. He just got out of a horrible marriage a few months ago. I just didn't want him to know how bad it would hurt because of how strong my feelings for him really are. I played them down a lot. Well after the car accident I was hurting physically really bad so I took a stronger pain pill than usual, plus I was emotionally drained, I was nauseated, etc. I thought I was sleeping and dreaming, but I was half awake & half awake or some combo in a drug induced state and I text him. I didn't realize it until I was fully awake. Read what I wrote. I basically bore my heart & soul to him. So now stupidly he knows how I feel. I felt so embarassed! I apologized, but I couldn't deny any of what I said.

I feel less embarassed cuz we had "the talk". He is such a great guy and seems to take it in stride, but I still feel like I messed up one of the best friendships I ever had. I hate that I've strong feelings for an amazing man who will never see.

But than maybe it's me who can't see the truth. Heck my own ex-fiance may have been right when he said no real man will ever love me. Makes a person wonder if there isn't something hugely wrong w/them especially being single a month before their 35 birthday. The only person who only seemed to try to want to be w/me was controlling, abusive, cheating, etc.

Stupidity sucks!

Comments

Julia said…
Sometime no matter how much we love a person, they just don't feel that way back, that does not mean that there is anything wrong with you! It just means that as much as you love him, he's not the one for you. I know it's not fun, I know it's not easy but believe in yourself, that you are worth loving! Because you are!
November 10, 2011 at 10:22 PM
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