Strength

I don't think I have any strength left with in me. How can I help my parents and myself at the same time? My parents have kinda given up and its really affecting me right now not just for them, but myself.  Their attitude is affecting me more than I would like. Since mom's stroke and dad's hospital visit and finding out he has CHF has just left them giving up on living. Damn it! Excuse my language. I want and need my parents to be parents right now. I didn't have the problem of being the "parent" before, but I need them. Now I can see how selfish my attitude was when I attempted to commit suicide last year. I sit here tears streaming down my face and chest.

I love having to get up and take care of my cousins every morning. They get me through the mornings and feel me with so much love. The bad thing is they make me realize what I don't have in my life. I miss my nieces so terribly. I miss my Grams and Gramps. My Grams passed away Nov. 17th and that is coming up. Oh this month truly sucks. I am ready for it to be over.

It needs to be Dec or whenever I get paid. I haven't been able to pay my attorney this month, my dad paid too much to DMV telling them what he paid not me (no I am not mad, just set me back this month), I can't even renew some of them medications which truly doesn't help me. I am just having a hard time. I don't have much strength in me right now. My bucket is empty. I can't take care of me, my parents, etc. My mom is on the love seat from the moment she gets up to the time she goes to bed. Dad is either in bed, watching tv w/mom or lately on the computer playing games on Facebook. It gets a little old doing all the cooking and cleaning. Picking up after my parents isn't easy. I beg and plead for them to help not just around the house, but it only last a day or so.

I wish I could get out and live with others who are not depressed and given up like they are. How can I get better and deal with the things I am dealing with if this is what I live with. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE my parents. My mom is my best friend. It is not easy with them they way they are. Living with two depressed people who seem to have given up doesn't help me. I wish I was a little child and my mom would just take me by the hand and help me. It has been the other way around for many years. *sigh*

One day I hope things get better. One day I hope I find the strength to deal w/the difficult things in life.

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